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The Shopkeeper's Cabinet Rants are optional dialogue rants told by The Shopkeeper to Ninja in The Messenger, involving the shop's cabinet. Once a cabinet rant is activated, Ninja is forced to read many dialogue boxes of unskippable philosophical life advice from The Shopkeeper. There are four cabinet rants total, three in the base game and one in Picnic Panic.

Cabinet Rant #1[]


Ninja can activate cabinet rant #1 during almost any section of the game, by continuously interacting with the cabinet inside the shop. However, cabinet rant #1 does not activate if he's in the shop just before summoning the Tower of Time, or the shop after defeating Barma'thazël, as those points in the game respectively involve activating cabinet rant #2 and cabinet rant #3. Furthermore, the cabinet completely disappears if Ninja has collected 1 Music Note on the Version 1.0.4 update or higher.


The Shopkeeper lectures Ninja about the concept of happiness.

Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Please don't touch the cabinet.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: I already told you, the cabinet is off limits.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Believe me, you're not ready for what's in there.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: You think you can just barge into my lab and go through my stuff like you own the place?
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: There's no skeleton in there, I promise.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Hey, don't touch.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: It's empty anyway.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Don't make me lock it.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Why don't you put that curiosity to good use in the outside world, and maybe, I don't know, save humanity?
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: If you touch that again you'll have to sit through my boring story.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: I'm warning you, it's boring!
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: It's philosophical!
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: I'll even remove your ability to skip what I'm saying.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: This is your last warning!
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: You better make sure you have some time ahead of you if you're going to touch that again!
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: You asked for it, don't say I didn't warn you.

Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: You know, it gets pretty lonely out here, so I have a lot of time to think. The one thing that keeps bugging me is this concept of happiness. Everyone seems to be looking for it, some pretend to have it, but no one can really explain what it is. I think I finally cracked that code. You see, everyone has goals. So you think oh when I have this I'll be happy, or when I achieve that I'll feel eternal bliss. Some people are looking for love or acceptance, while others simply hope Devolver will sign their kickass game. From my perspective, sitting here at the end of time and being visited by countless travelers, I came to realize something very important. Goals don't make people happy. They defer happiness into the future, to when the goal will be achieved. This can only fail, because once you reach your goal, you are not the same person you were when you set out to achieve it. And what's more, your mindset is to chase something instead of enjoying what you have. So there you have it. Happiness is not a goal or a state, it's a system. You optimize your environment and cherry pick the people around you. So that everyday you're just stoked to live your own life, and you don't need to defer any joys, because you optimized the present moment. Now I don't know whether that was cheesy or insightful, or even just annoying, but I need to optimize my own life, and that implies that you stop trying to open my cabinet, so I really hope I bored you to death.

Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: You should see what I did to the last traveler who got nosy.
Cage Monster: Hey, I heard that!

Cabinet Rant #2[]


Ninja can only activate cabinet rant #2 by continuously interacting with the cabinet inside the shop at the top of Glacial Peak, before summoning the Tower of Time. The Shopkeeper appears to be missing, but if Ninja tries to open the cabinet, The Shopkeeper will pop in through the right door of the shop to prevent Ninja from opening it.


The Shopkeeper lectures Ninja about the power of stories.

Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: You really thought it would be that easy?
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: I told you already, the cabinet is off limits.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Please stop.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: We're not doing a special edition of the cabinet rant.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: I mean it.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Don't be that guy.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: You're being that guy.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Fine, be that guy.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Ten.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Nine.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Eight.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Seven.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Six.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Five.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Four.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Three.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Two.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: One.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Crazy how countdowns give the feeling something is about to happen, huh?
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: But yeah, I got nothing.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: If you're hoping for something special, just give up the cabinet thing already, the cool stuff is up ahead.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Did I ever tell you about the guy who stayed late on a Friday night and started writing optional dialogue to "add comedic value for those who will bother looking" ?
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Imagine reading his ramblings.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: By the way, if you feel like the cabinet thing is overdone at this point, I agree, but it's totally on you for keeping on trying to open it.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Seriously, you can stop this right now.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: I mean it, you have the power!
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Only YOU can put an end to this optional bit.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Which is good because I got things to do.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: If I repeat the same thing three times will you think I'm out of flavor text?
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: We're done here.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: We're done here.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: We're done here.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: I can't believe you, why won't you move on to something productive?
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Like maybe advancing the quest you're supposed to care about?
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: I'm not gonna lie though, when the time comes, opening the cabinet WILL blow your mind.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: And I'm confident in saying this, even though I know you will be expecting a surprise.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: So how do you surprise someone who's expecting a surprise?
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: With a meta plot twist, that's how.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Now if you want to know what it is, move on already, I promise it's the fastest way.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: You're not opening that until the script says you get to anyway.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Ok I'll start looping back to the beginning now.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: You really thought it would be that easy? I told you already, the cabinet is off limits.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Please stop.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Come on that was a good trick, how are you still trying to open this?
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: I thought you would give up when it looked like I was looping.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: If you keep doing that you will have to sit through a boring tirade.
Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: It will be boring and philosophical, and I'll even remove your ability to skip what I'm saying!

Shopkeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Fine. Here's some insights from Jordan the Wise for you. Life is going to come at you hard, so there are a few things you should know. Most important of all, is realizing that you have something to offer the world. But in order to do that, you first need to sort yourself out. Lending your ear to the lessons contained in stories of old is not a bad place to start. You see, as human conscience grew in knowledge, it equally grew in arrogance. We seem to be at this point where the value of stories is lost on us all. Not really caring about morals anymore, we are simply looking to be entertained. But their power on our subconscious is by no means hindered by our intellectual pride. Stories send a clear message to our being, and when told properly, can offer guidance in how to live our lives, impacting us in ways we sometimes don't even notice. In fact, recurring themes more often than not represent archetypes, and contain lessons on how to or how not to behave. Consider dragons for a moment. Fantasy stories always seem to have them hoarding treasure. Not coincidentally at all, two of the biggest innate fears in mammals are fire and reptiles. So dragons are really a metaphor representing that which you fear the most. Now, why would an immortal fire-breathing reptile care to sleep on a pile of gold? The answer can be read between the lines: the treasure you seek is guarded by your greatest fear. Don't get me wrong, the pile of gold is as much a metaphor here as is the mighty beast that doesn't even exist. Find your dragon and slay it, then your treasure will be revealed. This is the wisdom storytellers of old were trying to convey, only they didn't have the scientific method, a framework by which to structure arguments, or even a high IQ audience. The lesson isn't any less important or relevant today, however. That which you most need to discover within yourself is hidden where you least want to look. Now ask yourself; why were you so curious about my cabinet? Are you a very conscientious person, adamant on leaving no stones unturned? Or have you not mastered your insecurities, and the fear of missing out is what's really driving you at this moment? Maybe you are simply hoping to get a laugh out of some unexpected one liner? Because I'll admit we both know I could kill the mood right now and tell you about how a depressed clown once attempted to lift his mood by eating bowls of confetti. What I'm getting at is, regardless of your motive here you have clearly demonstrated curiosity, and faith that the world holds surprises for those who take an honest look. While that can certainly be said about the world, it's even more true about your inner self. Now whether that is scary, insightful or encouraging depends entirely on how far you have made it on your personal growth journey. Life is made of many exams, most of which will present themselves to you more than once. Betrayal, joy, illness, adventure, treason, cooperation, purpose, loneliness, warmth, loyalty... Indeed, just like stories old and new, life has recurring themes when testing humans. The important part is not whether or not you pass each test, but that you show up, acknowledge your score and ponder how it can inform who you should become. From there, everything is there inside of you to help you find your own way. Who knows, the underlying meaning of The Messenger's story might even hit you eventually. But for now, let's get back to your adventure.

Cabinet Rant #3[]


After defeating Barma'thazël, The Shopkeeper requests Ninja to open the cabinet. In order to activate cabinet rant #3, Ninja must defy expectations and continuously either talk to The Shopkeeper or attempt to leave the shop.


The Shopkeeper lectures Ninja about the inner child.

Shopkeeper16Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Please do touch the cabinet.
Shopkeeper16Portrait.png Shopkeeper: I already told you, the cabinet is where it is.
Shopkeeper16Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Believe me, you are ready for what's in there.
Shopkeeper16Portrait.png Shopkeeper: There's no skeleton in there, I promise.
Shopkeeper16Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Hey, do open it.
Shopkeeper16Portrait.png Shopkeeper: It's not empty.
Shopkeeper16Portrait.png Shopkeeper: I already unlocked it.
Shopkeeper16Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Why don't you put that curiosity to good use and open the cabinet already?
Shopkeeper16Portrait.png Shopkeeper: If you don't open the cabinet soon you'll have to sit through my boring story.
Shopkeeper16Portrait.png Shopkeeper: I'm warning you, it's boring!
Shopkeeper16Portrait.png Shopkeeper: It's philosophical!
Shopkeeper16Portrait.png Shopkeeper: I'll even remove your ability to skip what I'm saying.
Shopkeeper16Portrait.png Shopkeeper: This is your last warning!
Shopkeeper16Portrait.png Shopkeeper: You better make sure you have some time ahead of you if you're going to keep doing that!

Shopkeeper16Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Alright, let me share with you my understanding of Madam Mellody's work. After observing so many humans over such a long period of time and reading as much as I could, some trends inevitably come up. One thing we all have in common, is the need to feel like we have value, power, and abundance in our lives. Now, like many things, there are functional and dysfunctional ways to go about these. Say you are dysfunctional. Your sense of value may come from the approval of others, making you dependent on seeking attention, begging for others to tell you that who you are is adequate. You will feel good when you receive positive feedback, but always be one negative comment away from having your day ruined. Now, about power. Dysfunctional people get a sense of power by exercising control over others, sometimes right down to policing the way they talk, or who they engage with. They feel good when they have a weak partner or friend to control, but feel depressed and weak themselves when no one is around to feed their ego. Their sense of abundance will often come from material things, displaying of high status, or promiscuity. Even though it feels great while the money and the crowd are there, these lack real depth, and the impact of the inevitable downfall would be hard to overstate. For functional people, it is scarcely documented as they are generally busy living a meaningful life. Functional people get their sense of value from an understanding and acknowledgement of their inner worth. Their sense of power comes from an ability to self-contain and let others be who they are, while protecting themselves when needed. And abundance simply comes from good self-care. Now, all of this makes sense in theory, but the idea is to be able to apply it. For this, you first need to master your emotions. As I understand it, everything you experience is a mix of the big five. Fear, joy, sadness, anger and shame. The primary colors of our experiences, if you will. Mix fear with anger, and you get jealousy. Too much sadness in your joy will make you melancholic. The only way to unpack complex emotions is by breaking them down into which of the big five are concerned, and to deal with each of these individually. Easier said than done, right? Consider haunted house stories for a moment. They're always the same aren't they? It starts off with optimistic fools moving in. Soon enough, odd things begin to happen, and fear ensues for a while. Eventually, the protagonist has had enough, and decides to face the ghost. "What? What do you want?", they will ask, tired of cowering in fear. As it turns out, ghosts usually know what they want, and it's usually the same thing: for the person who wronged them to face justice, and to then be put to rest. That's usually where the killer faces a trial and the ghost's body is respectfully buried. And just like that, the house becomes a warm haven again. Did you get the metaphors? If you often feel depressed, irritated, or however hindered in your general ability to engage with life, you are just like a haunted house. Your inner child is hurt, and will be increasingly uncomfortable to you, until you turn around and ask "What? What do you want?" If asked honestly, you will find that the answers were within you all along, and that following through with that inner child's requests is both challenging and life changing. Only then can you begin the process of discovering your true self, to finally get rid of your chains. These were my final ramblings, please keep in mind that I am but a shopkeeper. Everything I say should be taken with the biggest grain of salt you can find. Please open the cabinet now.

Cabinet Rant #4[]


Cabinet rant #4 is found in Picnic Panic, in a secret area of Voodkin Shore. In 8-bit, go to the southwestern corner of the room with the 5th shop, where there is a dead-end with a palm tree and a health jar. Wait next to the left wall for about 30 seconds to reveal a secret pathway, which leads to an area with a small hut, and the cabinet partially buried in the sand. Continuously interact with the cabinet to activate the cabinet rant.


The Shopkeeper lectures Ninja about the concept of emotional pain.

Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Oh, so that's where the cabinet went. Good to know, now let's leave it alone.
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: I mean it, leave it alone.
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: I'm all out of philosophical ramblings anyway.
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: You want to wear the blue robe again or what?
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: I must admit, I never expected you to travel to the very timeline I randomly teleported the cabinet to when we changed over to the Jukebox.
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: But here we are, aren't we?
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: What will it take for you to leave my cabinet alone?
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: If I share my favorite poem with you, will you get bored?
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: I must say it's a pretty good one though.
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Alright, here we go.
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: "He wishes for the Cloths of Heaven" by WB Yeats:
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: "Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,"
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: "Enwrought with golden and silver light,"
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: "The blue and the dim and the dark cloths"
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: "Of night and light and the half-light,"
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: "I would spread the cloths under your feet:"
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: "But I, being poor, have only my dreams;"
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: "I have spread my dreams under your feet;"
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: "Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Not bad huh?
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Do you reckon the last sentence was a threat to the consequences of messing with someone's dreams, or a plea for the other to be kind with them?
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is tread softly because you tread on my cabinet.
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Get.
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Over.
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: The.
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Cabinet thing already.
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: You are so stubborn.
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Do that again and I will use a special trick to make you quit.
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: It's a real neat trick, I bought it online.
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: "One weird trick! Messengers hate it." the ad went.
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Are you ready?
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Alright, let's see you deal with a barrage of ellipsisses.
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Ellipsi?
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Ellispses?
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Anyway, let's see you deal with them.
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: ...
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Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: I bet you'll skip that one because you entered a state of flow while fencing off my ellipses.
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Oh were you going too fast and skipped that previous sentence?
Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: It wasn't really important anyway. Do you want your philosophical rant then? You know the rules.

Tikeeper8Portrait.png Shopkeeper: Fine, let me share some thoughts I had after reading the works of masters Weekes, Jung, and Miller. More precisely, on the concept of emotional pain. And even more precisely, on how we all seek to avoid it. While avoidance may seem like a desirable solution at first, taking a closer look reveals an important truth : that which you resist, persists. In other words, you can only suffer from that which you don't embrace or accept. Anxiety can be thought of as two dots in the mind, one for "what is", and the other for "what one wishes was". Pain, in this picture, is as strong as the gap between those two dots is wide. So in order to feel better, that gap has to be closed, or at least reduced significantly. And that's where I believe these annoying "Mindfullness Meditation" [sic] apologists may have a point. "You have to learn to let go", they keep repeating. Easy to say, don't you think? Especially since we only seem to hear that advice from people who already feel inner peace, and being told it's supposed to be easy only makes a suffering soul feel even less adequate. I think it may speak to closing that anxiety gap between the two dots in a healthy way. If you think about it, most of the pain in this world is caused by people who can't deal with their inner anxiety, who then try to close their gap by attempting to transform "what is" into "what they wish was". Or in other words, use control. Imposing your will on others, the very definition of abuse. Now control may sort of work as a short term strategy to reduce the controlling person's anxiety, but all it really does is transpose it onto others. The challenging but ultimately liberating truth is, there is another way to close the gap, and that is, to instead transform "what you want" into "what is". Or in other words, use acceptance. By embracing negative emotions, we can integrate and eventually accept them, both for what they have to teach, and as proof that we are very much alive. This acceptance leads to an emotional grief of some sort, where we eventually become free of particular memories or sates [sic] of mind, ultimately disarming their ability to overtake our mood. If that sounds hard to believe, consider this it also works for positive emotions. Let's take nostalgia for example. The one song you kept listening to during that one special summer a few years ago, it takes you back, doesn't it? But more to the point, what happens when it does? Surely you don't resist the warm and happy memories that wash over you. You take them all in, and even try your best to feel them even more, to their full extent, conjuring images, and almost even smells if you could just concentrate enough. After a few moments, the warmth starts to wear off, and sort of like when you wake from a good dream, you fail to maintain your mental grasp on those feelings as they inevitably dissipate. And just like that, you went through the grieving process of a positive memory, because you embraced it instead of trying to resist it, and thus its grip on you has been weakened. What you will sadly find the next day, is that while that old song will always come with a dash of emotion for you, it will never again hit you as hard as the first time you reopened that corner of your mind in full acceptance. That is certainly a sad reality when it comes to positive emotions, but on the bright side, it also applies to the negative ones. If you are struck by sadness, experience treason, or are revisited by a sad memory, by using acceptance, fully embracing it and letting it wash over you, you can also weaken its ability to affect you. And eventually, in contrast with the twinge of sadness you feel at the realization that a given happy memory cannot be visited with any effect anymore, you will feel that hit of joy when it becomes clear that a negative emotion has packed its bags for good. In this way, I believe it is fair to say that there is beauty in sadness. That was a lot to cover, I hope it all made sense. And please, don't forget that I am just a shopkeeper. If what I say doesn't resonate for you, you should disregard without any hesitation. I don't have any ramblings for you anymore, so I will teleport the cabinet to outer space to make sure you never find it again. Sul sul.


For the main article, see Achievements.
Achievement 33.jpg
Fine, I Won't Open It
Be lectured on happiness

Achievement 34.jpg
Bait Taken
Be lectured on the power of stories

Achievement 35.jpg
You Said This Was A Platformer
Be lectured on the inner child